its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
