he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize