I want to have your abortion
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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