I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
