dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
