Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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