Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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