I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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