OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
