When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
