Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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