i was rollin on her like bob the builder
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Randomize