I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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