he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize