Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
