see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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