Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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