i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
