hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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