My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
