Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We had sex on a dog bed..
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
