I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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