I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
