So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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