Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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