There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
