I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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