If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
