I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
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