It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
