I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
