just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
