Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize