Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
