so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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