All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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