He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
