also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
