I wish I only lived at night.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
