saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You know, be my cock's hype man.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
