Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Randomize
