Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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