Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
