Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
