Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
