i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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