Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He felt like a one man threesome
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
