my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Randomize
