i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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