its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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