By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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