I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
