we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
