What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Randomize
