This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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