she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
