dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
