So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
