i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
