i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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