Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
